Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
