I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
