Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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