They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
