I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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