Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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