I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?