I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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