Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend