If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
