How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
