I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
