Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
