why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
