this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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