I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
