I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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