i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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