My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
