sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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