She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
