I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
