you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
