His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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