come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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