We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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