You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
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After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
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You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
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