I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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