Need sex. Gaining weight.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
whose parrot is this?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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