If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
