Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
