Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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