yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
