i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
