goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Randomize
