So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
