I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
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Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
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No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...