youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
