Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
