Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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