If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
