apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
