Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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