I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
