oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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