At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
