The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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