Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
