Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
