You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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