Don't make out with my wife yet
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
