There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
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