So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
