what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
