i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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