Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
