After last night, I could never be a politician.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
