Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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