I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
