Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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