He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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