She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
