i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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