I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
