Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
