What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
